The X Files - The Untold Story of My 21st

this blog is specially written to clarify all the doubts out there... it took me some time to actually have the courage to face this reality.. but right now.. im just glad to announce that God has been great.. and im MOVING ON~

Episode 1
Hours before my birthday, i got close with J... Yet to be honest, i didn't know where i stand... i knew i like him big time, and i knew he felt the same for me...

Little did i know, Wira and Sze Wei planned a surprise birthday for me.. which was really touching.. and he turned up for it... immediately everyone assumed that he was my boyfriend while Lindsay and Alvin happily gave me their blessings... i on the other hand, was still trying to digest the whole thing... it was just too fast... and it was just all too sudden... and he just put his arm around me, declaring to my friends that he is my boyfriend... Let's just say, i knew my new status at the same time with the rest.. yet, i just felt loved and happy...

Episode 2
So on my birthday itself, we had an outing to Sylvia Park (which is supposed to be the largest shopping mall in New Zealand) with our friends from conversational class... he decided that he did not want to miss out such an event on my birthday although he pulled a one-nighter on his projects... Of course i was touched... and thought nothing could be better... i just did not realised that things could be worse... worse than i could ever imagine...

Episode 3
the beginning of the trip was awesome, him by my side, mingling with my friends, we chat, we played, we laughed.... Until he broke the news to me privately, that his ex had been texting and calling him since last night.. asking for a reconciliation or a closure... i just went quiet... didn't know what to think... and he kept reassuring me that he will sort it out with her tonight and for the meantime he just wanted to celebrate my birthday with me...

Episode 4
However, his phone kept vibrating and it became so distracting that we couldn't even carry on with our lunch... he took me out for a talk... saying that he should go to her and end it now... Before i could react, tears just rolled down from my eyes and he hugged me tight...
I told him," I just found you, I don't want to lose you now."
He told me," I love you more than you could love me.. just trust in me... and I will be back."
with that, i gave him my blessings... Little did i know, that was the last time i saw him.

Episode 5
I just couldn't concentrate or tried to have fun anymore after he left.. to be honest, the drama was a little too much for me to handle... whose boyfriend's ex would choose to ask for reconciliation or closure on the new girlfriend's 21st birthday until the boyfriend has to leave the girlfriend alone to face questions by concerned friends on his whereabouts????? I looked at wira, and asked whether we could just go home... and we went home... and i just cried and cried and cried...
to make things worst, my friends kept texting me and some even called me from overseas to wish me happy birthday... my parents called me a few times to ask me how did my birthday go... all i could do was blow my nose and tried to sound as cheerful as i could when my phone rang...
All i could say was... that was one horrible and long night... and it was supposed to be my 21st birthday...

Episode 6
Initially, he kept calling to check on me... He told me things got really nasty and his parents even had to intervene... He admitted he did not handle the last case well, so there's a lot that he has to deal with.. and his parents did not want him to start a new relationship when there was such a mess and his major exams were just around the corner... I was scared... so i asked him what should i do then... practically all the people i knew in New Zealand knew about his existence because he showed up, what was i to answer??? He said, just tell them that my boyfriend is busy in the meantime but he will be back soon, and he will make up for everything... I trusted him... I trusted God ( because i did believe he was the one)... and I tried to be as cheerful as i could in work, in uni, in church...

Episode 7
One fine day, he asked me not to call him or text him because things which i wouldn't understand were happening... but he would call me that night to explain... So, i wanted to be understanding... i did what he told me... and waited all night... he didn't call... i text him, but there was no reply.. i called him, but there was no answer... it was another horrible night that i went through... dwelling in doubts, fear, insecurities...

Episode 8
He replied the next day.. asking me not to text him and call him again... and he would explain later tonight... no apologies or explanation about last night... Fine... i would just wait again... another night when by... no calls nothing... my eyes were so swollen and dark that i had to skip lecture the next day... my friends were really concerned about me.. they told me i should forget about him... but i guess im the type who doesn't commit into a relationship easily and once i have made the decision to commit, i just attached myself too much... i trusted him so much... i held all his promises without compromising... i even tried to think from his point of view that what he was going through should be way worse than me as he had to handle so many parties.. So, whenever i was in grieve, i wrote songs for him... hoping that there would be one day when i could just sing for him as he tells me that everything is gonna be alright...

Episode 9
He quit from his work and changed his number... NO ONE had his contacts.. Alvin who used to be quite close with him, couldn't even contact him... I was more depressed and disturbed than ever.. i guess it was all those unanswered questions and uncertainties that were driving me crazy.. For goodness sake, i don't even know whether he is alive! I don't even know whether im being silly waiting for something in vain!
and then... i had this encounter of near abduction after work... just 3 days after my birthday...
It was the worst week of my life... i don't think i've ever cried that much before...

Episode 10
To keep the story short, more than 1 month passed and there was still no sign of him... everyone thought i've moved on... but deep down inside there was still this hope within me... every night in my prayers, i asked God for his guidance and wisdom... i knew i need to move on...
Came one day, there was just this burden in my heart, and i wrote him a very long email..... telling him that i've been waiting, asking for explanation and whether i should still wait (emailing him is the only way i could contact him after he changed his number... he doesn't reply all emails though... but his last email to me was that he appreciated me waiting - which led me to wonder what he meant..hmmm...)
In a way, i was prepared that he would not reply.. but it felt really good to release all those uncertainties which were kept within me...

Episode 11
His reply came a few days after the email was sent... it was nerve-wrecking just to wait for msn page to appear and all... i kept mumbling under my breath "God, whatever it is, keep me strong" repeatedly... and behold... his reply was..
" i don't know what to say.. im sorry.. please move on... i think i still love my ex.."
To my utmost surprise, i was relieved.................. Man... it felt so good to have an answer... to be sure that he's not worth it... to be sure that i could now go ahead with my life and put the past between us behind me... to be sure that gone are the days of living in denial and reading through his messages again and again believing he would be back although everyone on earth were telling me i deserved better...
the first words from my mouth after i read the email was.. "Thank you Jesus!" and tears came rolling down again... Immediately, i deleted everything about him.. his messages, hie emails, his contacts, the songs i wrote for him, and i kept away his gifts...

Episode 12
Although it was one harsh fall... im glad i was able to stand up on my feet again... wiser, more confident, and more dependent on God... I would have like it if J and i could still be friends... but seems like i would have to leave it to God's will... Previously, the thought of mentioning about my 21st birthday would have been depressing for me, but right now, im just thankful to God that i can look back and reflect on my mistakes and learn from it..

On my part, i believed i was too fast in starting a relationship although things seemed to just happen... i guess i couldn't have agreed more with my dad that "when you think you are in control, you are actually out of control"...

Secondly, everyone had been telling me that my biggest weakness is that im too serious in a relationship and i put in too much effort and trust... i was asked to be more carefree when it comes to relationships, and enjoy the present more than focusing on the future...
Even so, i don't think i would ever change in that sense... haha... well... wouldn't it be sad if we get into a relationship knowing it would end hence we don't love as much? I may be too trusting and too serious, and may have gotten hurt so many times till im kinda afraid of heartbreaks now...it doesn't mean that i have to change myself to fit the worldly views and engage in touch 'n' go relationships... I truly believed that God would lead me to the one for me... in His own time... if i have to fall during the process, i know it is just to make me stronger and wiser, and to prepare me for what my future beholds =)

so peeps, here you go... this is one extra long explanation and clarification of my situation... i don't deny that it was not one terrible experience, but i still praise God for helping me through and guiding me towards a purpose-driven life..

God bless ;)